Monday, January 02, 2006

Humans Are Such Easy Prey

Humans Are Such Easy Prey

Humans Are Such Easy Prey (2001)

Lounged around today for the holiday. Did I watch football? No. I soaked up aliens.

First, while treadmilling, I watched part of Species. A scientist receives an E.T. email asking that unknown alien DNA be combined with human genetic material. Unaware of the president's ban against using intergalactic stem cells, the scientist complies. But, thinking safety first, he mixes the alien blubber-like stuff with female chromosomes in order to, in his words, "keep the resulting specimen docile." Bad move. The intermingled concoction is killing machine Natasha Hendstridge who's more interested in mating and terminating than being brought to any leader.

I followed that up with a couch potato afternoon of watching several episodes from the second season of the new Battlestar Galactica. If you've seen any of the remake, you know it's a serious, compelling drama and has none of the cheesy overtones of the original. The Cylons, renegade robots who've turned on their creators and brought about a near apocalypse, have replicated themselves in human form and (according to the tag line) "have a plan." Again, the female "toasters" seem more deadly than their male counterparts. The Cylons appear to be obsessed with reproduction and children -- perhaps scheming to mate with humans like in Species -- but also are driven to massacre people given any opportunity.

So, in both films, a puzzling paradox nags. If you're an alien, and you want to mate with people (a popular theme from The Mysterians to Alien Resurrection), why work overtime to slaughter your lover pool? And, more broadly, why do filmmakers and audiences usually prefer evil, scheming aliens to gentle, give-me-a-big-hug aliens? Let's ask the experts.

Someone at ColdFusionVideo, talking about Ridley Scott's Alien, wonders:

Hell, why kill us when you can conquer us with superior technology, mind control or the help [of?] some fool scientist collaborator?

Yeah, right. My point exactly. And what about this mating fascination? Any other ideas floating around out there?

Well, the scrupulously researched World Weekly News has the scoop:

Dr. [James "former government UFO expert"] Kune says aliens mate with us for both practical and emotional reasons.

"In the early years of alien visitation, many E.T.s were looking only for cover -- marrying a human man or woman took suspicion off them as outsiders. Eventually they realized that not all humans marry, that they could just as easily pass as 'confirmed bachelors' or 'old maids.'"

But most aliens actually did end up marrying. "For most other species, it's unnatural NOT to pair off with someone. The longer they stayed here, the lonelier and more eager for companionship they became. And so they began developing actual loving relationships with humans.

One of the most surprising findings in my research is that these alien-human relationships are among Earth's strongest marriages. While the overall divorce rate for U.S. marriages is hovering around 50 percent, almost 90 percent of alien-human marriages last well beyond the so-called 'seven-year itch' that often marks the end of human-to-human marriage. "

So, it's a deep cover deal -- and not just a fling for inter-species carnal knowledge? But our on crack reporters here at Blog with a View searched the skies and scraped the sordid underbelly of the UFO. We spoke with one recently divorced alien with an itch big as a nebula he just couldn't scratch. Let's cut straight to the footage.

BWAV: Zoltar, has your recent divorce changed your views about alien-human relationships?

ZOLTAR:

Must. Exterminate. Lawyers. First.

All. Carbon. Based. Scum. Must. Die!!!

[Image seen at Black Cat Forums]

Whoa. Don't blow an organ we don't have, dude. You still got the goods. Maybe you need to spend less time in the tub. Remember, you have a small shrinkage problem by nature. From Everything2.com:

"Alien males are not especially well endowed and yet virtually every human female who's had a sexual encounter with them agrees with me that it was absolutely mind-blowing," declares Sandy Morewather, author of the upcoming paperback, Alien Love Secrets.

Okay, so you're stubby but studly. But what about the alien fairer sex? What melts their warp core? Nigel Watson explains their unearthly foreplay in Fortean Times:

In my own research I have interviewed 'Martin Bolton' who had visions of, and telepathic communications with, three young space women. On behalf of these entities, he window-shopped for female attire and watched porn films. They were the 'goodies'; the 'baddies' beamed pain to his brain and for a three-year period stretched his penis during the night.

Uh huh. I'm starting to think there's more than a little self-stretching in today's post. Isn't that right, Voltron? Um, right, Voltron? Voltron?

I . Can. Feel. My. Brain. Starting. To. Swell.

While. Blogger. Rambles. On. Insipidly. Voltron. Will. Borrow. This. Object. From. Blogger's. Home.

[Image from Trader Cracks]

2 comments:

Neil Shakespeare said...

LOL! That's crazy! Those alien women spent a heck of a lot more than 3 hours a night stretching my penis!

cruelanimal said...

Well, rumor is, if you pay...

Strange. The only ones who turn up in my bedroom are escapees from an interstellar "penal" colony. They seem only interested in administering anal probes.

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