Monday, September 12, 2005

Another Cattle Mutilation

Another Cattle Mutilation

Another Cattle Mutilation (2000)

Woke up this morning with milk light in my eyes
And then realized it was still dark outside
It was a cow light coming down from the sky
I don't know who or why

--The Byrds, "Mr. Spaceman"

From (you guessed it ) The Cattle Mutilations Page:

Cattle Mutilation Phenomena refers to thousands of cases in North America where cattle have been found mutilated under abnormal circumstances. Many mutilated cattle have been found marked with fluorescent paint, probably to help identify them in the dark.

The cows are found dead (although the cause of death is undetermined), exsanguinated (all their blood has been removed). Precise "laser-precision" cuts are observed in the mutilated cattle. They have had certain organs surgically removed from their bodies. Often their reproductive and rectal organs have been removed.

Abnormally high radiation levels have been detected near the dead animals when they are found, and scavengers will not touch the carcass. There are no footprints leading to or from the cows. There is evidence (clamp marks on the animals' legs) that the cattle were taken from their habitats and mutilated elsewhere. Sightings of UFOs and strange, unmarked, black helicopters coincide with many cattle mutilation cases.

Some people suspect our government as being behind this as some sort of biological warfare plan. Yet this is a world phenomemon.

The marks found on the animals are not consistent with attacks by predators such as wolves or coyotes.

In many cases the owners hear nothing at the time of the mutilation which is usually at night.

But, you know, why do the visitors go for our...cows? Why not our cocaine...or (please) our politicians? OvniLab Dreamland knows:

Some may ask, "If done by UFOs, why would they be interested in cattle?" And the answer to that may lie in the fact that cattle blood is so similar to humans that it can be used in the lab to create human blood plasma. Indicating the aliens may be studying the cattle, to find out more about us!

Take us to your dairy animals...

What's the freshness date on Daisy?

Satanic Cults? Aliens who don't got milk? Or, [cue sinister theme music], a government conspiracy? From Dead Cows I've Known:

The National Institute of Health (NIH) has been tasked with tracking and studying something even more frightening: Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathies and other Transmissible Spongiform Encephalopathies (TSEs). Much of the research has been conducted at Rocky Mountain Labs. Originally it was thought that a foreign power might be trying to contaminate the American food supply. Instead they discovered a new variation of TSEs. But TSEs are no new biological evolution, in fact they are much older than the primates.

The funding for this research is hidden in the NIH's black budget for the study of AIDS. Neither AIDS or BSE are viruses, rather they are the consequences of immune systems that have been thwarted. The research has been kept quiet to prevent an outbreak of panic. But the cats out of the bag, all of us are in the same boat. Every American who's ever eaten meat has potentially been exposed to our new, common threat: Transmissible Spongiform Encephalopathies.

Over the last ten years, law enforcement in dozens of States have been trying to track and identify unmarked helicopters sighted where area livestock have been discovered dead under suspicious circumstances. The helicopters are seen before and after these cows are found in pastures, missing certain organs. The same things are always taken.

I guess guinea pigs are just too small to be serviceable. Naturally, some skeptics have a beef with the conspiracists and UFOlogists. The Straight Dope finds the answer closer to Tennyson's "nature red in tooth and claw":

Sensible people, such as (one presumes) anyone reading this column, generally believe that the mutilations are the result of natural predators. A minority of cases are the work of brain-damaged farm boys who get ideas after reading about mutilations in the papers.

According to The People's Almanac #3, a couple Arkansas state cops tried an experiment in which they left a dead cow in a field unattended. Within 33 hours, buzzards followed by blowflies had neatly disposed of the eyes, sex organs, and even the blood, leaving the appearance of "surgical precision" behind them.

Other studies have tended to support this scenario. In 1974, for instance, state veterinary labs investigating a rash of mutilation reports in Nebraska and South Dakota reported that every animal brought to them for examination had died of natural causes.

Close Encounters of the Skim Milk Kind...

A Sony ad for camcorders
[Image from]

Finally, the Skeptic's Dictionary wonders why bovine-slashing aliens are so, well, ill-mannered:

Of course, inquiring minds want to know why beings with the intelligence and power to travel billions of miles to our planet would spend their time mutilating cows, experimenting on otherwise unremarkable people, or carving up wheat fields. They need cow blood and glands for food and experiments. They are harvesting enzymes and are working on a genetic engineering project that will blend the Gray race (the aliens) with a Nordic race so they can interface with humans better. They are altering cow DNA to create some sort of artificial life form. They are carving up wheat fields with ever more elaborate designs to impress upon us how intelligent they are. Why would they come here and behave so preposterously? They're aliens and are beyond our comprehension. Nothing is preposterous for beings who are beyond our comprehension.

Yeah. Why can't they just beam up their mad cow laced chuck for intergalactic Hamburger Helper skillet dishes like the rest of us?

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