Dolphins Run the Driftnets

Dolphins Run the Driftnets (1998)

Thirty-six military-trained dolphins with toxic dart guns were reported missing in the Gulf of Mexico.
--Harper's Weekly Digest, 9-27-05

He's out there operating without any decent restraint, totally beyond the pale of any acceptable human conduct. And he is still in the field commanding troops.
--General Corman, Apocalypse Now

Flipper platoon flips off military and goes renegade. Jump through your own hoops, Sir. Welcome to the Heart of Wetness...

From The Observer:

It may be the oddest tale to emerge from the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. Armed dolphins, trained by the US military to shoot terrorists and pinpoint spies underwater, may be missing in the Gulf of Mexico.

Experts who have studied the US navy's cetacean training exercises claim the 36 mammals could be carrying "toxic dart" guns. Divers and surfers risk attack, they claim, from a species considered to be among the planet's smartest. The US navy admits it has been training dolphins for military purposes, but has refused to confirm that any are missing.

Dolphins have been trained in attack-and-kill missions since the Cold War. The US Atlantic bottlenose dolphins have apparently been taught to shoot terrorists attacking military vessels. Their coastal compound was breached during the storm, sweeping them out to sea. But those who have studied the controversial use of dolphins in the US defence programme claim it is vital they are caught quickly.

Leo Sheridan, 72, a respected accident investigator who has worked for government and industry, said he had received intelligence from sources close to the US government's marine fisheries service confirming dolphins had escaped.

"My concern is that they have learnt to shoot at divers in wetsuits who have simulated terrorists in exercises. If divers or windsurfers are mistaken for a spy or suicide bomber and if equipped with special harnesses carrying toxic darts, they could fire," he said. "The darts are designed to put the target to sleep so they can be interrogated later, but what happens if the victim is not found for hours?"

Shove those orders up your blowhole, Sir...

Somebody cue the Beach Boys death metal covers. Dolphins, as Wikipedia notes, are "widely believed to be amongst the most intelligent of all animals." Therefore, terrorist-hating-hunter-killer-savant dolphins with dart guns are beyond gnarly. And you thought dimwitted sharks were enough of a problem. Wait till you have to fend off Manchurian Candidate Flipper using your board as a shield. This gives "shooting the tube" a whole new frame of reference.