Toadies

Toadies (1999)

This image -- a fairly unprocessed fractal made with Sterling-ware -- seems appropriate in light of the new stealth SCOTUS nominee. I found myself thinking of the Henry Rollins poem that takes newscasters to task for purging themselves of any trace of an ethnic or regional accent. It begins: Hi. I'm from Nowhere...

From the Salt Lake Tribune, 10-3-05:

The truth is, no one really knows [Harriet] Miers' personal views of the hot-button issues like abortion or privacy or business regulation that are likely to come before the high court, partly because she deliberately withholds sharing them with anyone. Given the recent history of confirmation hearings, Americans may not find out much more than they know now. Which is practically nothing.

In that sense, Miers is the perfect stealth candidate. She could be farther to the right than Justice Antonin Scalia, and no one would know. Since she has never served as a judge, she has no record of legal decisions to parse. She has served as the president's White House counsel, and her opinions and advice to the president could give some indication of her philosophical leanings. Obviously, a loyal member of the Bush team is not going to be a flaming liberal.

And leave it to our comics to dig under the surface of stealth. From The Late Show with David Letterman:

Top Ten Signs Your Supreme Court Pick Isn't Qualified

10. Lost 10 grand yesterday in the "case" of Jets vs. Ravens

9. Spends most of her time trying to fit the gavel into her mouth

8. Her legal mentor: Oliver Wendell Redenbacher

7. Asks courtroom stenographer to, "Quit that annoying tapping!"

6. Instead of Constitutional law books, consults set of Garfield paperbacks

5. Keeps shouting, "When does mama get to hang somebody?!"

4. When Scalia walks by, she pretends to cough and says, "Rogaine"

3. Authored the book: I'm Not Qualified to be a Supreme Court Justice

2. The closest thing to courtroom experience was being an extra on Matlock

1. Glowing letter of recommendation from former FEMA director Michael Brown

Toadies (2004) by Mikey Welsh

And you gotta wake up and smell the robes when the toadies start sniping at one another. No one can hear you shout I object online:

From failed nominee J. Micheal Luttig's blog:

HAIRY-ETTE: ALL EYELINER, NO JURISPRUDENCE

Every hour that goes by, the more depressed I get. It's not that I'm mad about not being appointed to the Supreme Court. (I mean, I am, but this is much bigger than that.) It's that the President of the United States, whom at this point I wouldn't allow one of my clerks to hire as a manual laborer, had to choose such a sycophantic lightweight to fill what would have been my seat. The only possible distinction that Hairy-Ette might hold is she's the first Supreme Court nominee whose eyeliner is thicker than her curriculum vitae.

And the response from successful nominee Harriet Miers' blog:

MEMO TO J. MICHAEL LUTTIG: STFU

I'm sorry, but this is seriously not okay. Mike, if you want to snipe at me, fine. But you're not Supreme Court material, you never have been, and you never will be. And if you think you're smarter than the President of the United States, well that just shows why you're a divorce court judge (or whatever you are) and he's in the White House.

Prexy just called me to say "Hang in there." Sir, yes, sir.

As Dave Barry says: I am not making this up. Maybe that's why it sounds like the makings of fine reality television -- Survivor: SCOTUS. Although given this remark from Miers' blog

Wouldn't it be funny if Souter and I got married? Like our kids would automatically be Supreme Court Justices!

the pilot might have to take a different approach. Fortunately, I have a ready-made, reality-based script playing in my head. My treatment goes something like this:

It's the year 2012. Previously on "Toadies for Life": The International Criminal Court at The Hague found George W. Bush guilty of war crimes. This week: Bush decides to appeal his case to the United States Supreme Court.

INT -- SUPREME COURT BUILDING -- MORNING

Bush approaches the bench. Chief Justice Roberts gavels the court to session. Kennedy scowls. Scalia doodles. Thomas is delicately removing something from the top of an open Coke can.

ROBERTS: Although we know it will be "hard work" for you Mr. Failed Former President, you may now make your opening statement.

THOMAS (shouting and making an Arsenio hand gesture): Bring it on!!!

MIERS (whispering under her breath to Souter): Dear, have I told you he's the most brilliant man I've ever met?

SOUTER: (rolling his eyes): Don't start with that again today, honey.

BUSH (clearing the brush from his throat): Thank yew, Robbie. Heh heh. All I wanna say on top of this esteemed body is...Harrie, you're doing a heckuva job...

~/~

UPDATE: I got an indignant email calling me a "dumb shit" for not realizing that Harriet Miers' blog is a spoof. But hold your child's blanket tighter, Jacko. I never said it was real. I just quoted Dave Barry noting that I wasn't making stuff up. Both the Miers and Luttig blogs are terrific parodies -- although, when wingnuttia rages full on, the Simulacrums can be difficult to discern from the Real Pod People.