Monday, August 29, 2005

Bad Dog

Bad Dog

Bad Dog (2000)

From The Bad Dog List -- "Destroying":

*A multi-colored ink pad is NOT food and will cause my paws to be green, my mouth to be blue, my tongue to be orange...and the carpet in the office to be all different colors!
* I can allow the kitties to play with their furry toy mouse for at least 24 hours before I chew it into an unrecognizable pulp.
* I have several toys designated as mine, and I know what they are. I must to chew and take out my separation anxiety on them, instead of all the things I AM NOT allowed to have, like electric cords, and cooking utensils.
* I must not break through the glass on the back door in my efforts to escape from the basement while my human is at work. I also must not then try to chew my way through the wood on the door, as this still has glass pieces on it and it cuts my mouth. After she takes me to the vet for emergency checkup and cleans up all the glass and blood I left in the house, I will not refuse to eat my antibiotics just because there is no peanut butter on them. This causes my human to worry about me and think about murdering me simultaneously. This also causes her a great financial burden, since a vet visit for a 100-pound dog isn't cheap, and neither is a new back door.
* I shall not eat the crotch out of my human's dirty underwear when she forgets to close the closet where the laundry basket sits.
* I will not bite my human's cellular phone every time it rings.
* I will not bury all the expensive doggy toys my human bought me so that I may spend my days eating the landscape lights.
* I will not chew the dog training book, especially when it is a library book.
* I will not dig under the cherry tree, chew on the roots and kill it.
* I will not pee into the container that has the central air conditioning unit inside. I will rust out the coils and force expensive repairs to be made.
* I will not try to lick all the dirty dishes in the dishwasher (even though I know I'm not supposed to), and then jump back when I am yelled at, catching my collar in the bottom rack and scaring myself, causing me try and run away dragging the whole (full) bottom rack with me, and breaking my human's mother's crystal cake platter that she to got as a wedding present.
* Just because I can see onto the counters does not mean I have eat/hide/destroy whatever is up there.
* The crotch of a my human's pants is to be left alone.
* When my human goes to work, I will not do the 'Escape From Alcatraz' act over the gate in the kitchen, chew the wicker coffee table, dining room table and chairs, poop in the bathtub, eat 2 stuffed animals, drag all the clean and folded laundry out of the bedroom and pee on it, rip the top off a box of Triscuit and eat the whole thing, and then greet my human at the door with a grin and a look that says "I had a great day! How was yours?"

Artesian Spring Water, my ass...

I will not eat Duraflame logs. I already have enough fiber in my diet.

From -- "11 Dogs That Could Raise Your Insurance Costs" by Kay Bell:

Insurers say when they identify dog breeds that tend to bite, it helps bring down the cost of homeowner policies. Dog owners say their pets should be considered as individuals and the insurance approach amounts to ineffective canine profiling.

Some states are considering barring "breed discrimination" by insurers. Even the American Kennel Club has weighed in, arguing that some dogs save insurance companies money because the animal is a natural alarm system whose bark deters intruders and prevents potential theft.

While the debate rages on, many major insurance carriers continue to limit coverage to dog owners. Large dogs that can inflict a lot of damage are prime "no-insure" targets. Other considerations that influence a company's willingness to cover a breed include the frequency of dog bites for the breed, the breed's reputation as well as research conducted by the Centers for Disease Control and individual insurance companies.

Will your family pet cost you more in insurance premiums? Here, listed alphabetically, are 11 pooches that regularly make insurance companies' "bad dog" lists. Breed information comes from the American Kennel Club and various breed Web sites: Akita, Alaskan Malamute, Chow Chow, Doberman Pinscher, German Shepherd, Pit Bull, Presa Canario, Rottweiler, Siberian Husky, Staffordshire Bull Terrier, Wolf Hybrid.

Get the paper?  Get a clue...

Why don't you play dead, asshole?

From WCTB-TV Pet Center -- "A Bad Dog May Be a Sad Dog":

Is your dog bad to the bone?

It could be he has a condition called canine compulsive disorder. It can cause unexplainable, repetitive behaviors such as tail chasing, snapping at the air, excessive licking, chewing with an empty mouth, and monotonous barking without any change in volume or intonation.

About 2 percent of dogs have canine compulsive disorder, says Andrew Luescher, the director of Purdue University's Animal Behavior Clinic. The disorder can be so severe that it affects the dog's daily living. For example, he says, one dog was so distracted by its own shadow that it stopped drinking water.

Strange behaviors caused by the disorder are often misdiagnosed as neurological problems. The longer the behaviors are allowed to continue, the more difficult treatment can be, Luescher says.


The first study will evaluate the effectiveness in dogs of a class of drugs called selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitors (SSRIs). The second study will examine whether positron emission tomography (PET) can be used to diagnose and evaluate neurophysical brain changes in dogs with the disorder.

I can't afford my own meds...

but, okay, the poor abstract dog in today's image will never receive another newspaper rap to the nose again for tearing the sheets to shreds while trying to find the mole that lives in the bed. I'm sure Celexa and a talking cure regimen will get different results than repeated Pavlovian rituals involving electronic collars and self-Tasering...

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