My Apology

My Apology (2001)

As the news cycles on with BushCo's fear-mongering boomerang forehead slap over the Dubai ports fiasco and Fox News' spin stew speculating that civil war in Iraq is a good thing, I want to return, briefly, to those thrilling weeks of yesteryear to say one more thing about the vice-president shooting a man in the face. I know the prezdent is busy mucking up international relations with his tour to please-distract-from-the-home-front where his poll numbers have skidded to the mid-thirties in support. Apparently, for the bottom-feeding hardcore one-third, no amount of incompetence and lying can sway the blinkered faithful from droning their GOP talking points. I suppose only a blowjob or a sudden conversion to pro-choice will ever shake up their snow globe brain cages.

Meanwhile, deep in the heart of Texas, where the clipped winged quail barely fly, The Veep's peppering excursion produced the strangest but most archetypical headline of the Bush Administration:

Cheney Shooting Victim Says Sorry -- To Cheney

You know, some people have compared Bush to Nixon, but the analogy is unflattering to Nixon. When Nixon was caught with his hand in the cookie jar, he lied and denied. He backpedaled. But not go-with-my-gut Bush. No, he openly and defiantly admits his limbs are jammed up to elbows and knees in multiple cookie jars of domestic spying and extraordinary rendition and challenges the sheepish media to explain why he has no right to leave no crumbs. And who gets blamed -- again and again? The victim. Valerie Plame. The patriotic whistleblowers that exposed BushCo illegalities. The guy who got shot in the face.

And we are all victims of what BushCo has done to erode our nation's liberties and economy and world standing since 2000. And what recourse do we have for all the death and lies and environmental destruction and assorted nonsense done in our names? Isn't it obvious? We should immediately apologize.

I'm sorry my liberal leanings find this cartoon ironic and amusing...

[Cartoon by Rex Babin]

So, better late than never, here comes my apologia...

I'm sorry the President has to go to the trouble of finding pre-screened parrots to fill seats for his public appearances.

I'm sorry I believed the administration's barrage of catapulted propaganda about the dangers posed by Islamic fanatics from Arab states and now am worried about selling our port operations to the UAE.

I am sorry I can no longer declare bankruptcy now that the administration's policies have outsourced my job.

I am sorry for being raped and feeling bitter about being forced to bear my rapist's child in South Dakota.

I am sorry for not previously turning in an accounting of my library records and search engine searches with my income tax statements.

I am sorry I have difficulty seeing that The War on Terror, The War on Islamic Extremism, The Search for WMDs, The Snipe Hunt for Oil, The Long War is preferable to no war at all.

I am sorry that I begrudge the oil companies for making record profits while my own economic status falls under the Bush presidency and pledge to buy an SUV in atonement.

I am sorry I am not in the upper one percent of Americans so I could fully experience and appreciate the benefits of the deficit-busting Bush tax cuts.

I am sorry the Bush administration had to pay Armstrong Williams so much money and that Jeff Gannon asked softball questions and did not practice faith-based abstinence.

I am sorry I have not spoken more loudly during phone calls so that secret recordings of me are easier to understand and transcribe.

I am sorry I have not had more children so they could be sacrificed to assure that BushCo policies would fail with even more loss of life.

I am sorry (father, bless me for I have sinned) not to have been sorrier earlier.

I am sorry for all of this and more because I sense you've been waiting for my apology. Am I right?

And could you reload my rifle while I mix a martini?

[Cartoon by Mike Luckovich]

Well. I am sorry I asked.